Allowing myself to ever “need” someone was my first and greatest mistake. I know darn well that not even a finger would be lifted in effort to fight for me. Why am I not surprised? You must know that I am not walking away because I find you worthless - but for the very opposite - that you find me worthless. I have nothing more to lose.
I really can’t explain what I’ve been going through. If I can’t even make sense of it, how am I supposed to translate my thoughts into words for others to understand? I’m just doing the best I can to simply exist, which sometimes seems difficult but effortless… all at the same time.
I’ve been having trouble sleeping for the past few days but surprisingly it hasn’t really impacted me very much. I’m just really thankful for having such wonderful people in my life. People who send me encouraging messages every now and then… or people who share a meal with me. And people who have been super eager to meet up with me even though I don’t know why… hahaha I’m such a boring person.
I’m especially thankful for the people who let me sit near them while I do my own thing, in the comfort and silence of their presence. It might not seem like much, but to me, it’s a gesture that anchors me to my sanity.
I’m just so thankul… because I know I don’t deserve any of this.
First things first, I am deathly afraid of frogs. Frogs or toads or what have you… they’re equally as gross to me. Unfortunately, Chandlers happens to be a breeding ground for them or something… this is definitely one of the things I will NOT miss about this place. It’s always around this time in the summer where they begin their hostile takeover. They’re slowly beginning to grow in numbers… and they’re starting to sprinkle the sidewalks. And you know what I really don’t appreciate? How they don’t try to get out of the way if they’re about to be stepped on or run over.
This evening, it rained pretty hard and so I didn’t think I’d be running into any of those evil little creatures. I made a quick stop at the clubhouse to drop something off and lucky me, I ran into no frogs. So far so good…
But on my way back into my building, I open the main door and am about to head up the stairs when what appears to be a misplaced rock catches my eye. But nope, it’s a big, fat, juicy toadfrog thing sitting riiight in the little gap between the door and the floor. Appropriately, I freak out internally (and silently) and praise the looord that I did not just step on that thing. I would hate to see someone else not be so lucky and to find toadfrog guts all over my front steps the next morning.
Sooo… since it somehow got INto the building, I figured it must have been skinny enough to squeeze under the door. So I slowly try to nudge it outside with the door, but it just DOESN’T move. And because I wrongly assumed that it WOULD move, I now have half of its head wedged under the door… and I even saw his slimy little eyeball pop into his skull sla;kghl;jowd… (that’s me squirming). This is clearly not gonna work and so I try to push the door out to un…crush his head, and his fat rolls kinda stick under the door and so now his body’s just flopping all over the place.
At this point, I’m so done with dis lil dood. Luckily, a couple of loud stomps sent that slimy thing out the door… guh. This would happen to the person whose biggest fear is frogs. Happy Sunday y’all
It’s an illusion; it’s always been an illusion. People always have ulterior motives. Save yourself from rotting in the pit of this hell hole.
1. This past week, I’ve been having one horrible dream after another, and they’ve been driving my anxiety up the wall. I’m really glad that I was able to join my life group tonight because it was there that the Lord spoke to me with such clarity… and clarity is something that I’ve been persistently pleading with him for. He knows that I’ve been running from him, and that I want to trust him but am struggling to. He knows that I’ve been pushing away the Spirit and that I’ve been doing everything I can to distract myself from praying and seeking him in his word. And so it’s funny that God would choose to speak to me through my dreams - something that I expected to only happen when I feel close with him. It’s as if he’s reminding me all over again of his relentless pursuit of me… a message that I sadly forget all too often.
2. I’m preparing to move out of my apartment soon, and with that being said, everything I have with me right now is everything I own. I have no room for extra baggage. Today, I threw away over half of my journals and kept only the ones that I thought would be beneficial to keep. I think I threw out all 5 of the journals I filled out from this past year alone. It may have been more liberating if I could’ve burned or shredded them though - you know, for a more complete and satisfying destruction of them.
3. I’ve made it a goal to finish the book of Isaiah by the end of this week. I really got a get a move on if I want to accomplish my new year’s goal of reading the bible cover to cover by the end of this year…
4. I want lasagna.
Voddie Baucham, What He Must Be… if he wants to marry my daughter
So let’s strive to make the rare unrare
The words that have been coming out of my mouth have not been out of love. If my words are a reflection of my heart, dang. I am appalled and disgusted with how much my bitterness, fear, loneliness, and anger have gained a stronghold over me.
Oh, another interesting/boring story about work…
Today, a couple of international students came in and were speaking in Chinese thinking I didn’t understand them. They were clearly talking about me as I was taking their order at the counter but I pretended not to notice. But then one of the guys pulls out his phone and starts taking pictures of me while trying to be all discrete. It was probably one of the most uncomfortable and awkward situations I’ve experienced in long time. I figured it would be best to just let the moment pass by so I could avoid any further interaction with this creep. I guess it’s something I can laugh about now but stilll… not cooool… good luck trying to get girls to take you seriously dood.
What would YOU have said?
I won’t lie… I’m pretty bummed that I didn’t get to see any fireworks this year :( oh weyull
A great deal of cultural capital is required in order to encourage young men to marry and men of all ages to fulfill responsibilities as husbands and fathers. The normative picture of the “good life” for men, at least as presented in the dominant media culture, does not include the comprehensive responsibilities of fatherhood.
When men are not stigmatized for failure to be faithful as husbands and fathers, young men will take marriage and parenthood with little significance, as many will avoid marriage and fatherhood altogether."
— Albert Mohler, The Return of Patriarchy? Fatherhood and the Future of Civilization
The way that we’ve been cultured is to seize every opportunity to share our victories. That’s basically what social media is all about, isn’t it? So then… what happens when we’re in a season of grieving and when we only have laments in our hearts? If we DO let them be known, we risk the possibility of becoming negatively characterized as being needy, weak, and selfish attention-seekers. We’ve become conditioned to believe that sharing our greatest pains and failures will unavoidably be met with rejection (which seems to overwhelmingly be the case). I say this because I’ve caught myself in doing this, not only to others but also to myself. And although there is definitely a wise way to go about lamenting, there is also an utterly destructive way as well.
I realize that I hardly ever cry, but if I ever do, it’s usually in the company of other people. And by default, I cushion it with apologies for inconveniencing others with putting my emotional burden on them and immediately begin to hate myself for not being able to just wrestle out everything with God in the privacy of my solitude. I didn’t even realize how incapable of grieving I was because that’s just now normalized it became for me. More often than not, I’m quick to deny the Lord’s compassion and grace for me when I am when I am hurting. This is something I am openly, and somewhat ashamedly, still in the process of surrendering into His sovereign hands.
I’ve been trying to convince myself that I am 100% happy and that I’ve really been enjoying the life that the Lord has graced me with. I post pictures of great food and great friends but as of late it’s felt more like a performance if anything, with a specific audience I’m aiming to target. The biggest part of that target is myself, no surprise. But the truth is, I am broken and I am hurting. I am helpless against my fear of loneliness. It’s what drives the extremities of my emotions and it’s what ensnares me to my addictions. I get frustrated with God because He won’t give me the “insta-healing” that I’ve been craving for. But in all of this, I can say that the Lord is good, whereas I probably couldn’t have a couple of months ago.
If I’ve been given something to rejoice about, heck. Let me rejoice with all of my heart. If I’ve been given something to grieve about, let me also grieve with all of my heart. I don’t want to take this away from myself or from others anymore.
I just wanna go on a great road trip and eat great food and visit great places with great friends.
Is it crazy that this all happened today? hehe… thank you Jesus… ^___^