1. This past week, I’ve been having one horrible dream after another, and they’ve been driving my anxiety up the wall. I’m really glad that I was able to join my life group tonight because it was there that the Lord spoke to me with such clarity… and clarity is something that I’ve been persistently pleading with him for. He knows that I’ve been running from him, and that I want to trust him but am struggling to. He knows that I’ve been pushing away the Spirit and that I’ve been doing everything I can to distract myself from praying and seeking him in his word. And so it’s funny that God would choose to speak to me through my dreams - something that I expected to only happen when I feel close with him. It’s as if he’s reminding me all over again of his relentless pursuit of me… a message that I sadly forget all too often.
2. I’m preparing to move out of my apartment soon, and with that being said, everything I have with me right now is everything I own. I have no room for extra baggage. Today, I threw away over half of my journals and kept only the ones that I thought would be beneficial to keep. I think I threw out all 5 of the journals I filled out from this past year alone. It may have been more liberating if I could’ve burned or shredded them though - you know, for a more complete and satisfying destruction of them.
3. I’ve made it a goal to finish the book of Isaiah by the end of this week. I really got a get a move on if I want to accomplish my new year’s goal of reading the bible cover to cover by the end of this year…
4. I want lasagna.
"Common is the man who will profess Christianity with the lips but deny it with his life. Rare, however, is the man who can articulate the gospel in biblical terms or engage in meaningful discussion on the issue of biblical conversion."
Voddie Baucham, What He Must Be… if he wants to marry my daughter
So let’s strive to make the rare unrare
Distractions, distractions. I know they can’t keep me running forever.
The words that have been coming out of my mouth have not been out of love. If my words are a reflection of my heart, dang. I am appalled and disgusted with how much my bitterness, fear, loneliness, and anger have gained a stronghold over me.
Oh, another interesting/boring story about work…
Today, a couple of international students came in and were speaking in Chinese thinking I didn’t understand them. They were clearly talking about me as I was taking their order at the counter but I pretended not to notice. But then one of the guys pulls out his phone and starts taking pictures of me while trying to be all discrete. It was probably one of the most uncomfortable and awkward situations I’ve experienced in long time. I figured it would be best to just let the moment pass by so I could avoid any further interaction with this creep. I guess it’s something I can laugh about now but stilll… not cooool… good luck trying to get girls to take you seriously dood.
What would YOU have said?
I won’t lie… I’m pretty bummed that I didn’t get to see any fireworks this year :( oh weyull
A great deal of cultural capital is required in order to encourage young men to marry and men of all ages to fulfill responsibilities as husbands and fathers. The normative picture of the “good life” for men, at least as presented in the dominant media culture, does not include the comprehensive responsibilities of fatherhood.
When men are not stigmatized for failure to be faithful as husbands and fathers, young men will take marriage and parenthood with little significance, as many will avoid marriage and fatherhood altogether.
— Albert Mohler, The Return of Patriarchy? Fatherhood and the Future of Civilization
The way that we’ve been cultured is to seize every opportunity to share our victories. That’s basically what social media is all about, isn’t it? So then… what happens when we’re in a season of grieving and when we only have laments in our hearts? If we DO let them be known, we risk the possibility of becoming negatively characterized as being needy, weak, and selfish attention-seekers. We’ve become conditioned to believe that sharing our greatest pains and failures will unavoidably be met with rejection (which seems to overwhelmingly be the case). I say this because I’ve caught myself in doing this, not only to others but also to myself. And although there is definitely a wise way to go about lamenting, there is also an utterly destructive way as well.
I realize that I hardly ever cry, but if I ever do, it’s usually in the company of other people. And by default, I cushion it with apologies for inconveniencing others with putting my emotional burden on them and immediately begin to hate myself for not being able to just wrestle out everything with God in the privacy of my solitude. I didn’t even realize how incapable of grieving I was because that’s just now normalized it became for me. More often than not, I’m quick to deny the Lord’s compassion and grace for me when I am when I am hurting. This is something I am openly, and somewhat ashamedly, still in the process of surrendering into His sovereign hands.
I’ve been trying to convince myself that I am 100% happy and that I’ve really been enjoying the life that the Lord has graced me with. I post pictures of great food and great friends but as of late it’s felt more like a performance if anything, with a specific audience I’m aiming to target. The biggest part of that target is myself, no surprise. But the truth is, I am broken and I am hurting. I am helpless against my fear of loneliness. It’s what drives the extremities of my emotions and it’s what ensnares me to my addictions. I get frustrated with God because He won’t give me the “insta-healing” that I’ve been craving for. But in all of this, I can say that the Lord is good, whereas I probably couldn’t have a couple of months ago.
If I’ve been given something to rejoice about, heck. Let me rejoice with all of my heart. If I’ve been given something to grieve about, let me also grieve with all of my heart. I don’t want to take this away from myself or from others anymore.
I just wanna go on a great road trip and eat great food and visit great places with great friends.
Is it crazy that this all happened today? hehe… thank you Jesus… ^___^
"Gospel: The true definition of blood money."
So… I kinda forgot that I had a Martin and how silky smooth it sounds.
I miss spending hours and hours playing and singing my favorite praise songs and worshiping my God… I miss that joy. Not that I’ve lost it… but just that it’s been awhile.
I don’t really know what’s happening…
I feel like I’m trying to work with the impossible right now. I’m trying to book my flight and make payments with money that I don’t have. I’m definitely feeling very under prepared and almost kinda foolish for wanting to serve when I consider the amount of money this month-long education/mission trip is going to cost.
But then, I’ve always rested upon knowing that God will provide and that all things belong to and come from Him… I really need to exercise my faith in the Lord, trusting that He IS my provider. This is a time where I really need to take Him at His word.
I gotta be real; my mind feels like it’s flooding with worries, worries, worries… consume them all and do what You will with them God… Prayers, please! I need your help in pushing for change!
"He enables me to tread on heights"